I have posted many times about the importance of moving forward. I think, wait…scratch that, I know I have been trying to pound that into my own head. The truth is, until we are ready to let go of things, we are stuck. We might try to move forward but we go nowhere.
I have beat myself up over my marriage. Not my divorce, my marriage. Why? Because I don’t think I ever really knew him. That has scared the Hell out of me. It has kept me hidden away from the world. Fear is a Hell of thing.
I tried to save my husband from himself. The process about destroyed me. I realized after some time that I had to save myself. I had lived in my bedroom for several years avoiding him. My thinking was, if I didn’t let him close to me, he couldn’t hurt me. But that was wrong. I shut myself away and off from everyone. It drained me in every way. Spiritually, physically, mentally. I was dying a slow death. No one can save another person. Not from alcohol. They have to want to save themselves.
I’ve been looking back entirely too much! I lost enough time hiding away during my marriage. Here I am still avoiding humans. I have tried but at the same time I have my running shoes ready to bolt. Then I just fall back into seclusion. I admit I have a big wall up. Huge! But at the same time, I realize that being skeptical is a good thing too. Wisdom comes from experience. Keeping my eyes wide open for flags is essential. I need to find a happy medium. At least I’m ready to start living again. It might be a process. I may have to remind myself time and time again. I have beat myself up enough. I can trust my own judgment. I can believe in myself again. The past is a place of reference not residence. It’s time to pack my bags and get on with life!